Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Beauty in the Beast

My memory lane looks more like a wildlife sanctuary. Almost three fourths of all the happy moments that I can recall has some member of Kingdom Animalia present in them. My identity is incomplete without them, and they have a huge purpose in my being. Pa thinks I belong more to them than I belong more to them than I belong to the sapiens. He fears that by any chance if I land up in the Indian Police Services, I'll turn it into an animal rights protection force.

I was born in a home which had more canines than human beings. I grew up irritating them. Bruno, Sheeba, Mickey, Rocky, Daisy... Its a family secret that I BARKED before I spoke. I'm not to be blamed. Subsequently, animals were all around me. Inside my home and outside, in my books, on the tv, everywhere.
Now came those beloved divine interpreters of my stars. The Purohits. Even before I was born, they warned my mother to be careful. Her first child was going to be a typhoon. When I came, the family's belief in jyotish vidya intensified. They were called again, to design my horoscope, pick out the doshas, suggest the upayas and some other stuff. Heres what I was told to do...
Feed fishes on Sundays, Ants on friday, Cows on tuesday, Keep a female black dog as a pet, Free birds in cages, also a pair of snakes, Keep a deer as a stuff toy, Feed Gud to elephants and some other stuff. I still wonder if they were astrologers or animal welfare activists. 

So being one hell of an obedient child, I did it all and understandably I grew close to almost all sorts of animals. Whatever morsel of fear was present disappeared eventually and by the time I crossed the incredible age of adolescence, my interaction with beasts often became a matter of wonder to spectators.

Obviously, now there were enough reasons why I chose Zoology as a subject for graduation including the fact that my mother was also a post grad in it. Miranda House had no idea what was it in for when it welcomed me.

Dissections, one thing that I'd perhaps never forgive myself for. I was a decent student, but I was exceptionally good with dissections, Cockroaches, earthworms, sea urchins, prawns, rats, frogs, leeches, pigeon heads, I did it all until the final year came and changed me forever. I had chosen entomology as one of my subjects, which is the study of insects. I excelled at the observations, cultured butterflies, and mosquitoes, and what not, but then there was one exercise called insect collection. You have to catch all sorts of insects, kill them in poison jars, stretch them, pin them and put them up for display. 
One huge problem with my entity is that if I fail to understand the purpose of something, I am not able to do it. After collecting a dozen of them and seeing them twitch in pain and die in those damned jars, I walked up to my teacher and told her I am not going to do it anymore. She had high hopes from me, the war ensued, I was to get no marks if I didn't do it. I decided I didn't want them.
Similarly another grose exercise carrying a load of numbers was live dissection. Where you dissect live frogs, and some goddamn perverted purpose which even your teachers will not be able to explain to you, you will cut open their ribs to record their heartbeat or muscle twitch. Its an abominable sight, but for marks YOU ARE TO DO IT . I feigned asthma due to psychosomatic reasons and was exempted though no marks were to be awarded to me. The very same day I reached home and called up a lady politician who is a very avid animal lover and activist. After half a dozen calls she assured me she will look into the matter. Thankfully from this year there will be no dissections in zoology honours. Thats the biggest reward I received as a student.

Animals can sense your feelings and reciprocate the same way. If you are afraid, they'll chase you, if you get violent, they mirror your actions, if you are aloof, they wont bother, and if you are affectionate, they return the same hundred times the original amounts.
 I've picked up terrified chameleons to rescue them from my screaming lady classmates, and the faith with which they've climbed onto my palm... :) When I was in school I once saved a bat from being killed, and after a while it was so comfortable and affectionate it refused to come out of my lab coat pocket. Snakes have never been aggressive with me. I had picked up a krait when I was six and it had only stared at me dreamily. I know you'd be wondering if I am insane. Perhaps I am, but when something that cannot speak conveys to you such an amount of love and faith you'd probably prefer being one.

My own dojjy, Brandy Singh, however defies all logic. She is absolutely terrified of my cuddles and until I am back from a long journey or something, the only look I get from her is that of scorn.



Brownie and Titli, two dogs that reside outside my house but in my heart are a matter of wonder not just for me, but for everyone else. God knows if they are bro and sis, or cousins, or lovers, but one thing which can never be doubted is that their companionship is a matter of envy. Always together, these two have so much love brimming in their hearts for each other and for us that when they come running to you every time they spot you, you know this was one reason for which you were born. If I am standing outside the gate, brownie will be sleeping on my feet and Titli will sitting close. If I am sitting, then Brownie has his paw on my knee and Titli within hands distance. If I am walking, then I am flanked on either side by the two of them. Such love dear reader, is so profound that it seeps into your heart and makes your grey a shade lighter. You heal with this love, you forgive, you move on, you smile and you understand what happiness is in its purest state. Be it Titli's protective mother like behavior or Brownie's baby like affection or their miraculous awe inspiring companionship, your soul will hold on to these moments. They drown me in their love and I become a better person every time.


Its an overwhelming feeling when a winged one comes to your garden tormented by the cruel afternoon, has a sip of the water you kept for her and with new hope, soars again. Its a wonderful feeling, when your little gesture saves a being, its a beautiful feeling when you know somebody loves you more than you love yourself... Its a wonderful world for all thats in it.

























Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Ghost

The question she never asked
Hovers in the dark with me
While she sleeps on our bed
Beside a crease less left
I play with velvet curtains
Before the hours of morning
She wakes up to grey dreams
Stares at the bewildered hour
Lies back into the void
I play the chimes for her
Beseech the winds to sing
Blinded by salty sorrow
She calls my name again
I touch her lonely breath
Kiss her bruises away
Weave myself into her quilt
Seep into her pillow
Spread onto the sheets
Cradle her tired soul
Brush every pain away
And gently on her lips
Crawl back the pieces of her smile
"You're here" she whispers "with me"
The silence whispers back
"Always".


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Unreal


Between the lands of you and me
There lies forgotten the road
The steps you take no footprints leave
How then shall I find your abode?

  Night descends frowning and complains
Of the promise I did not keep
My heavens in grey of silent pains
On my grass the ceaseless weep

The numbness of my lonely palms
Prays for the warmth of you
To you reach all my longing psalms
Before the heavens in blue

Letters I did not write and send
Yet every word resounds
Tales began but had no end
Of graves on velvet grounds

Memory haunts the wreck of my ship
You embrace the cracks of my soul
The Sadhu takes the holy dip
To release himself from the Whole

Your tower sits beyond my reach
They clipped my wings last spring
And then to fly come who will teach
No winds to thee can bring

On hope of you, the dream I weave
And Oblivion writes the Ode
The steps you take no footprints leave
How then shall I find your abode?



Saturday, January 14, 2012

Absence


Seized by nightmares
My hand reaches to feel the assurance of your beating heart
But finds none
For a hundredth night
I lie beside a crease less left
Wrapped in despair and longing
And I wake up to another nightmare
Of having to breathe in your absence

Some yesterdays haunt my corridors
Some yesterdays have said farewell
Some yesterdays had blessed my coldness away
Some yesterdays chase me to hell

Your laughter echoes in my hollow insides
Your words are scattered all over the place
Its a strange grieving quiet in this house
Like a shore abandoned by the sea

Doors still wait unopened
Rains ask for you
Your poems bleed every night
In my sweaty palms

Your guitar has refused to sing
It does not like my tune
The birds don't come home now
Even when worried by June

The drawers are filled with you
And I stand here, looking at them
Like a shipwreck
In the solace of oblivion.

Clothes smell of your smiles
Walls chose to be bare
 I never look at them
For the fear of their stinging stare

I lie back into the void
When the chimes sing with the wind
The curtains dance
And blinded by warm, salty sorrow
I call out for you

I can feel you touch my lonely breath
I can feel you kiss my bruises away
I can feel you the warmth of this quilt
In the pillow cradling my head
On the sheets

And gently on my lips
You place back the pieces of a smile
"You are here", I whisper, "with me"

The silence whispers back
"Always"








Thursday, December 01, 2011

With Myself


Unwritten words are the best I write
Unsaid words are the truest I speak
Unseen sunsets are the loveliest of all
Unsung melodies are my masterpieces
An old wound decides to bleed once more
A spirit wants to sing along
A cloud longs to turn into grey
A wind whims into a storm
Then her prayers touch my skin
Through a bracelet of sacred threads
Her sleep she wishes off
Into my slumber less eyes
And from a place far off
I get a message that I am
And will always be dearly loved
And she who was given her breath
In the same womb as I
Holds my hand, or plants a kiss
On my mosquito devoured cheeks.
Or gives a hug  that warms my soul.
He doesn’t often say it
But I come to know
When he gifts me a book
And quotes lines from a page
And wipes off a tear
The lines that say
“Our daughter. Meanwhile was fast
asleep herself, one little hand showing
Above the bedclothes. Clenched in it
was my heart”
And this, what mortals call Love
Brims my being
And I smile and laugh into tears
Tonight when I met the mirror.
It smiled back at me
and said “You’re beautiful”.


Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Shades

The temple bells announce the morn
I lie awake through the night
Out of darkness the light is born
I behold the blessed sight

Orange and red, yellow and white
After the grey, blue and black
The presence and the absence of light
An open door, a seething crack

Unread people unread books
Scattered in chaos
In sleepy mirror the stranger looks
Empty worlds across

Peep into the darkness
But take a candle along
Bring a prayer to bless me
Sing a little song

Love with all my white
Hate with all my green
Dancing with wrong and right
Flirting with selfless and mean

I told her I have tied me up
She pulled out the same card
Sipping  bitterness from a cup
Wondering if I was scarred

Closing my eyes to numbness mauve
I questioned my musing shades
We agreed we both love Anton Chekhov
A curious content invades

We thought and spoke and cried
In Californication and Hodo
Like two tramps in the middle of happy nowhere
Smiling while waiting for Godot.

Friday, November 04, 2011

Never know


What should I write
That pleases your wit
My weak words anaemic
Sink in my humble existence
A moment you thought of a masterpiece
It did not inspire me enough
But I would remain silent
For i cannot face your hurt
Opting to be shallow or deep
You taught me thats the world
I wondered what I really was
A dying root or a withering leaf
You once laid a flower in that young book
It is now forever yours to be
And i in painful envy stand
To be decided upon another day
On quiet nights you wish for rains
And hum old dear love songs
And then I fall in love again
And pray to mocking Gods
I'll never know where we really belong
Perhaps i should not try
For where you say your peace shall be
Is where I shall call it home.




Tuesday, October 04, 2011

What a Wonderful World


As Time Goes By- Frank Sinatra

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.
And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.
Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.
It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.
Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by......

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Dream

















Let there be a day
When the world forgets
My existence humble
When i will not be known
By those who love me so well
And by those 
Who hate me to swell
When i will need no name
to be remembered or scorned
When memories will not haunt
The near empty mansions of life
When my tear would cease to matter
And my laugh cease to delight
When my words would not be cared for
And my pain would not be bright
I would sit in the company of wise blue deodars
And breathe the coolness of calm
Listen to the whispers of eager winds
And complains  of weeping waters
The moon would beseech me to not sleep
And keep him company in his quarters
Tell me how well he loved the sun 
And would keep her sheen in crystal jars
The ivory lover spoke all night
Swore his love was true
I asked him if she loved him too
He shook his head in silence
I am a rock, she is a star
I worship my Goddess from afar
She gives you warmth and rain
She is the source of your life beloved
While I play with salty waters 
And shine embracing her kindly light
You will not see my face when she is in sight
She is the center of ten worlds proclaimed
Who am i then, a piteous orb
But no regrets he gallantly claimed
Of my feelings i shall never boast
For the earth you sit on dear creature
Is what she and I love the most. 
I guard the daughter by the night
In the morning she lovingly rises
Mother of the beautiful child
Holding hands in cloudy guises.
And then i shall come again to play 
And sing the cherub to sleep
I think the kid loves me well
She resembles her mother in deep
And so till he spoke I listened with love
And then he beheld his glorious queen
Smiled at me and waved goodbye
Mother wrapped the child in a happy green.
I go back to sleep again
Until ma wakes me up.
The world comes back to me 
With the touch of the coffee cup...










Wednesday, August 03, 2011

THE SONG


I wish I did not belong to you.
I would sit on the shores that you dreamt of.
Let the waves embrace my longing feet
And kiss these hands…
Walk across leaving footprints behind
Only to be washed by eager waters
But your memories will never be washed away…

In an unfinished poem, in a book unread
I have found love in your promise unkept.

I would lie on the sands in the morning sun’s warmth
And breathe the happiness of solitude
I would meet that part of me that still
Does not answer the call to my name
For they would bring me closer to the soul
The soul to which you now belong
For I once belonged to you

In an unfinished poem, in a book unread
I have felt your touch, in your promise unkept

I would walk in these woods
Filled with emptiness
Sit under the care of our elderly oak
Listen to the song of a parted lark
And remember you singing to me
For your voice sings no more
And I still belong to you
You breathe in my air, you rush through my veins
You smile in my soul

In an unfinished poem, in a book unread
I have found myself in the promise you kept…

Sunday, April 24, 2011

for a beloved sis


I will never tell it you my little love, but I just realized that you were my first answered prayer. I still remember how passionately I had prayed for a sister, and when pa had come smiling into the waiting room and said, you have a little sister now... I still regret that I had misplaced my shoes, and therefore, I had to run and see you and come back... :(  but you were so beautiful, sleeping like a cherub in a nest... how I had loved ma that day.. for giving me the gift my heart had so truly yearned for, and now that you have blossomed into such a beautiful flower, I feel Incandescently happy to see you... your charming smiles, your humorous pinching sarcasms, your naughty giggles, your unbelievably logical arguments, your lovely eyes, your melodious voice, and that beautiful heart which you so smartly hide under that cloak of indifference, by Jove!! my kid, you are so charmingly unique and amazing, that i keep marveling... and every moment spent with you is nothing but worthwhile... when you lie on my arm every night and sing me songs in a nightingale's voice.. its hard to stop these tears. They bring me closer to heaven... i know my heart smiles when you smile at me, call me di or plant that lovely kiss on my cheek. How i love to listen to your dreams and little secrets which you share with such love and faith.. and then crack pointless jokes just to laugh with you... again i will never accept but i love it when you ask me to write, sing, read or cook for you and i hope you did like the cake today... such freak i am, baking at four in the morning just for fun!! :D I wouldn’t do it for anyone else... but for you it was no less than a little adventure... you can never know how much my heart grieves when i see tears in those eyes or when you chose a wrong direction... but i promise you bacchha, that while i am breathing i will never let you go astray... you are my gift, and in a sense my responsibility and yes no matter how much you dislike it, i am always worried for you... all i want for you, is happiness, love and fulfilled dreams. By heavens! you will be a stunning lawyer... and yes we will find a good looking man for you.. :D
You surprise me with the kind of patience and attention with which you listen to my hour long lectures and i am more than humbled for the immense respect and love that you bestow on me... your love touches my heart in its utmost depth... you truly are my twin soul, although with a complete makeover.. :) always be as genuine, honest and straightforward as you are... and now that my sparrow is ready to take off from her nest, so many emotions storm my mind... happiness, hope, fear... i pray that you be protected  from prying predators and unscrupulous elements... that you know what is right and what is wrong for you... that you soar through these skies and that you are always loved and admired... life is not easy my dear, but i would ask God to give me the maximum share of your pains and troubles... but not all...for i would also pray that you go through crucial trials in life whose lessons are priceless... these would polish you well... and i know you will make me and family immensely proud one day... i feel like i am Yeats, writing a prayer for his daughter... for the mother in me, only sees you as her daughter... :) i know i am getting all jasbati... but i am smiling while writing this so it doesn’t matter....and thank God you can’t read it my little enfant terrible!! :) truly in every sense the spice of my life...How badly i will miss you, i don’t even want to think about... but then this day was always in waiting... take care my love... u r way beyond special. and loved most sacredly.. and no matter when you need me, Didda will always be there... always... you cannot even imagine, how my heart swells with joy and pride, when i look at you and tell someone... That’s my Sister....  joy be with you... ;)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

That you will not believe

It is the lie in my truth
The hatred in my love
The scream in my silence
The pride in my humility
The nothingness in my substance
The black in my white
The laughter  in my tears
The despair  in my hope
The winter  in my spring
That you do not believe
That you cannot see
And thus it’s not me whom you love
You love her what I used to be
No, nobody is to be blamed
It’s just between me and time
But this truth is a truth
That u do not believe
That you cannot see…
I live with u in a palace with broken walls
The plaster and velvet curtains
Have hid them so well
That you are only charmed
By its magnificence
I can tell you but I cannot show you
That disillusion in your eyes I fear
And when I hint it in conversations
You laugh and embrace me
It is the pain of this betrayal
That you do not believe
That u cannot see..
So I will live with it and you
And dread that day
When the curtains will fade
And the plaster will peal
That you will see the real
And you will loathe the traces of my shadow
 I know I will love you that day
With all that is left of my heart
But that day my love
It will become a little truth
That you will not believe
That you will never see.

Monday, April 11, 2011

You said it the other day

 
You said it the other day…
It warmed my tiny heart
That you have loved me as
Much as mortals can…
Yes…tis true we can’t define love
But its profoundness has aroused my soul
Lost in slumber long
In my bosom you shall forever reside
For you taught me to breathe to live
And not survive
In your hands I have smelt the spring
In harsh winters,
In your eyes I have beheld sceneries
Of paradise,
In your voice I have listened to the harps
Of mountain streams…..
On a sleepless night I silently lie
To see the changing hues of the unchanging sky
And think of what we are together
And what we become in our solitudes
I cannot see your face
But yes, I can see you smile
I cannot touch you
But I can feel you as much as my flesh
And when comes the happy morn,
And the sun streams in my face
I lie in the stillness of thoughts
And think if all of it is fair
Your love is as true as truth can be
You hold me up, you become my shade
You keep my faith...
But my way is carved alone
The road I take wants me to
Surrender you…
It will snatch me away from under your wing
And bare me to ruthless life
But this is my fate
My purpose
If I do not walk this path
I shall never meet myself
Remember… when you had said
I am not just a name
I was fortunate to find you
And blessed to keep you
And I shall never tell you of
The grief that clutches my heart
I have to bid thee farewell
And begin a journey
To a land unknown
But u will always be there
Companion to my soul
Let me kiss thy forehead
One last time
Take with me a part of thee…
Do not lament that I have gone
For I shall never leave
In the nakedness of our truths
You know I will always be yours
Whenever, wherever, whatever you are…
I will love you
Till time bids adieu…