Sunday, March 01, 2015

Letter to the kid on the hills

To you who smiles like a cherub,

I had come to your hills to escape the heat of my plains. I had also come to give myself some rest. My life had been a chaos and disappointments were strewn all across my mind. Nothing went the way I wanted it to go. Happiness was elusive and nothing seemed to fall into place. It was then that I had come to seek refuge in the mountains. It was supposed to be temporary relief. But I went back with something much more than that. Just because of you.

We were on our way to Khajjiar. The previous afternoon had been very hot but not this one. The clouds came almost unannounced and took us in their gentle embrace. They danced all over the valley. They caressed the eager Deodars with their wet loving palms. They rained to nurture the valley's soul.. and they also washed away a lot of my fears. 

All along our way, those breathtaking wild pink blooms greeted us. Exuberant after the rains. Unaware of how beautiful they looked. Unaware of how their casual presence all over the mountais filled me with awe. It was almost the same feeling like I would step out for a walk at night and i would see hundreds of stars casually scattered along the path. What do you think of them kid? Does your valley fill you with the same awe? Or have you got used to the miracles?

There you were. Standing in the waiting shed at the bend of the road. Clad in your uniform,with your bag still on your shoulders. Hugging the pillar and waiting. Was someone to come and pick you up? Or do you walk home by yourself? Home to your mother, who'd be waiting anxiously. Whose eyes light up with the light of her soul when you come back to her. Then she would feed you hot food and ask about your day. Were you thinking of her? Or your siblings? Maybe an elder brother who teases you all the time or a younger sister you are very protective about. Or your father.. of how you want to be or not want to be like him?
Dear kid, i don't know what came over me the moment I saw you. Your innocence, your solitude, the way you leaned on the pillar. Before I realized it my hand was up and waving to you, desperately seeking your attention and my lips had upon them the most genuine heartfelt smile I knew I was capable of. And you looked! You waved at me without as much a thought. Without a trace of surprise in your eyes. And with the most beautiful smile I have ever beheld on a face. Darling kid, you healed much in me in that fleeting moment. You made yourself priceless to me.
I don't know what you thought of me. But I can never be grateful enough to you for gifting me that smile. I haven't felt that sort of happiness in ages. It was so pure, so unadulterated.. something I never knew I could feel. I was myself, just myself in that moment. No one's daughter, or sister, or friend...nothing..Just myself.. not dependent on any identity.. I could have been no one for all I care. I don't even know what happened. Your smile dissolved itself in my soul..rushed through all over my being and undid the knots that held my chaos into place. I laughed and cried while my family wondered if I had gone crazy.

You would probably laugh and be amused if you were to read this letter you little cherub. Or would you just smile like you did then? Do you know how beautiful you are? That your presence filled me with more awe than when I saw the wild pink blooms. Do you know how proud your parents must be to have you? Do you know that your presence has made my world a better place. I have never been the same again. You taught me one of the greatest lessons I have learned in life. That true happiness is not dependent on the conditionality of things to fall into place, of acquiring things or losing them. That true happiness comes to us at the most unexpected moments, in the most unexpected circumstances. That the only requisite to realize it to have love in your heart and open windows in your soul. 

Its not that I have not been sad after that. I have had very dark phases. But I have understood sadness better. I don't loathe or fear it now. So it cannot threaten or harm me the way it used to. You have turned my grey many shades lighter. I have opened up myself to feel joy in the tiniest things in my life. I don't know if there is a God kid, but if he is there, I have no doubt that he has your smile. 

Grow up to be a wonderful man. I know life will not spare you the wounds, bitterness, hurt and scars but let none of them touch the miracle that lies within you. I wish that your smile keeps changing lives like it did for me. Be kind to life even if it is unkind to you. 

I love you.

The crazy woman who waved at you on the rainy day.

15 comments:

  1. There aren't much words to be said here, except a smile I caught from the smile you described on your face in these words.

    =)
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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